"It is revealing how after all these years of not drinking I still get hit with moments of regret and guilt. I have changed, I know this as my actions tell me so. However, the troubling paradox I return to is this: If it was not for who I was I couldn't be who I am, but I do not like who I was. I do not know why these moments of painful memory arise accept to break me down - to teach. So I allow myself moments of quiet reflection and I hurt. And after I've hurt for a time I find my soul starts to rise once again. Stripped of my intellectual defenses I begin to let go and understand what I have done and what I now need to do."