Recovery Reflections: Darkest Days

Poems

"I have walked through many doors in my search for sobriety and I have learned a lot about my addiction. But it was my grandma who taught me I was a person and not a junkie."

"Seeing my Mom die in front of me and the doctors turn off the machines was true powerlessness. Not like the powerlessness I created in my head when I was cutting or using drugs .... For the first time I had to sit with an awful feeling in me and know that no amount of cutting or drugs could take the feelings away or bring my Mom back. I was truly powerless. I now know the difference between true powerlessness and the self created powerlessness from using drugs."

"You don't need tears to cry. My mom yells and uses pills." (9 year old girl)

Sobriety is like going to sleep one night and then waking up in another country that speaks a completely different language. At first it may seem cool, but then the novelty wears off and you realize how much work it will take to fit in....... And the idea of relapse? Well, we always cuss in our native tongue.

"Admitting powerlessness to alcohol is admitting that you got your ass kicked by a bully and nothing more. When it's time to deal with that bully, get yourself a buddy or two to go into that fight." - Sarge

"Addicts enclose themselves in a mental prison with no physical walls. They become enslaved not from external forces, but from their internal dialogues, mandates and agreements they make with the world about what is possible."

"I have never used recreational drugs and I do not drink. Perhaps people would say that I have missed out on something. However, more often than not, I find myself wishing that more people could experience the complete tranquility that comes from simply not possessing the desire. For those who have had a different journey, including these things, and choose now to put that behind them, a special respect is due. It probably takes more courage and effort to stop than never to have started. I would not be surprised if people in this group of “new start” living have deep insights to share. Accordingly, I say to them, “bravo” to you for taking charge of your life story again and choosing fresh new beginnings over a dependency that is unwanted." - Eric

"The key to sobriety for myself came when I realized I needed to be more than just an addict in recovery. Being an addict was just one aspect of who I was and not the totality of who I am." - J.Z.

When you enter recovery after deciding to quit drinking or using drugs, you may feel defenseless and empty inside. You may not know who you are or what you want. You will be looking for any shred of meaning or cure to lesson the loneliness and despair inside. Be careful what you grab. It has to be yours and relevant to your life. In the end, remember, you have to believe your life will be improved by stopping your drinking or drugging or no change will occur.

"What I learned through my recovery is that sobriety won't make your life better, caring will. What I learned from my family is that enduring pain for someone you care about is the ultimate gift of love." - W

"Limits come from agreements we make with the world about what is possible. Change the agreement and what is possible changes."

"I am not an addict but I love and try to support someone who is. For me addiction means constant heart break. It hurts to the core of my being watching someone I love destroy themselves with little ability to stop them. It's a process of acceptance about the situation. When I photographed the series I was able to exercise non judgemental compassion and acceptance to those I photographed in a way I still have not been able to do in my personal situation. It was a healing process to explore and release the pain and frustration I felt at my situation." Cheers, Claire

"Those that don't understand the power of hope hold on to the idea of miracles. The miracles in recovery are not by chance but because hope found a direction."

"Every decision I make paints a portrait of who I am. Every choice in every moment is a statement to the world about who I am." - Craig,

"Where the heart skips a beat and in between falling tears is a space in time reserved by a guardian angel." - An Old Drunk

Recovery does not avoid responsibility. It challenges you to a higher ideal, a higher belief, a higher dream. It is your potential for something more.

"No matter where you've been and no matter what your past, your life is lived or lost all in the next 30 seconds." - Matt

"I lost my daughter and son to a car crash because of drinking. I often feel my story is too extreme to share so I remain silent during meetings.... My sponsor has told me many times to keep sharing because in reality, the only difference between my story and hers (or anyone elses) is a split second." - P

"It is revealing how after all these years of not drinking I still get hit with moments of regret and guilt. I have changed, I know this as my actions tell me so. However, the troubling paradox I return to is this: If it was not for who I was I couldn't be who I am, but I do not like who I was. I do not know why these moments of painful memory arise accept to break me down - to teach. So I allow myself moments of quiet reflection and I hurt. And after I've hurt for a time I find my soul starts to rise once again. Stripped of my intellectual defenses I begin to let go and understand what I have done and what I now need to do." - J